Being Effective With People Without Anger

In the previous article, the way to dissipate past accumulated anger through breathing and self-awareness was discussed. A second aspect of this issue is to find a more effective approach in dealing with problems with people without the use of anger.
Anger is not a good or effective habit. When we have problems or conflicts, the best way to approach the issues is through reason and compassion. Not only is the rational approach more effective, but it brings about an inner calm after an issue is resolved. This is the way to approach people issues whether one is a parent, businessperson, teacher, professional, politician, etc. I know of people who are very effective in their work without having to resort to anger. One businessman, for example, who runs two companies which are among the largest in the Philippines, is very effective not only in business (which are profitable) but in personnel management. In the more thirty years that I have observed him very closely, I have never seen him get angry or even irritated. Yet he solves each problem swiftly and effectively through a rational approach.
In Golden Link College, teachers are trained so that they are effective in handling students without having to resort to anger or punishment. There are many parents who have brought their children up in a wholesome way without the use of anger, threats and punishment.
Below are two suggested steps in becoming more effective in dealing with people in situations of conflict.
First is to nurture self-awareness in one’s daily life. Every time that there is a problem, a threat or a crisis, we will notice that the body reacts in tension. Energy surges within which wants to act in an aggressive and violent way. Be aware of this, and feel these physical tensions (chest, head, shoulder, stomach, etc.) as we do deep breathing, and we will notice that they subside after a few minutes. By being constantly aware, this habit to burst in anger will disappear.
Second is to have a effective rational approach in problem solving that will be a substitute to anger. For example, you have a newly hired assistant to do certain task and to report to you regularly. You teach him how to do the task. Tomorrow, he fails to report or makes a mistaken report. No need to get angry. Consider that this failure may be due to inadequate training by you or a misunderstanding of your instruction. Devote a certain time to re-train this assistant and double check if he has understood your instruction by asking him to re-explain the procedure. The next time he reports, he commits the same mistake. If you are sure that your training was adequate, then it means that the assistant has a problem. Tell him that it seems that he is not prepared to do the task that you are asking him to do. Ask him if he has any problem about it. If he says that there is none, and that he promises to be accurate, then tell him that he will be given another chance but that he may have to be transferred or relieved if he makes the same mistake. Later, he makes again the same mistake. Then sit down and discuss with him that he will have to be transferred or he will have to resign because he is finding it difficult to do the task he is assigned to. The assistant will not complain or feel bad because you have been very reasonable and supportive. Then act on his transfer or termination. All these are done without anger or frustration.
Dealing with children is similar. Talk to your child without threat or anger. Explain with kindness and patience. Help them succeed in doing what needs to be done.
A rational and compassionate approach is perhaps the most effective approach to handling people problems, including issues in the family. It requires a clear mind and a firm will. It elicits respect, it is not offensive or degrading and fosters long-term loyalty and a loving relationship.